I'm Still Indecisive at 29

When we were kids, we had an idea of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Some people stuck with it and became doctors and teachers, while some moved on from princesses and dinosaurs. I've wanted to be everything at least once, and still have things I'd love to do.

Here's a little backstory.

First I wanted to be a veterinarian, then realized seeing animals hurt made me upset and knew I would not get much done if I was trying to snuggle all the pets. Then I wanted to be a teacher, but I do not explain things well enough to lead someone to take a test and feel good about it. While looking at being a teacher, I was very interested in psychology, and maybe becoming a therapist, but could not imagine being in school for seven years (funny now that I could have been done and in a career but instead am back in school). Then I wanted to work in agriculture, mostly managing the genetics and breeding of a cow-calf operation. On one hand it was hard finding a job for that because they wanted 5 years of experience, and on the other I was scared to move too far away from home to actually see a larger operation. There went that. After being a claims adjuster, I wanted to go back to school to be a surgical tech, but (a lot of "buts") I couldn't go to school full time AND pay my bills, so signal in me being too scared to go for it. I started painting and doing photography, and I'm pretty okay at those, though I'm no Pollock. (My dad calls it "Jack of all trades, master of none" Ha) When I got my marketing job, I concluded that I like marketing, I like creating things and ideas then using it to inform others, or to buy what I'm representing over competitors. So I decided to go back to school (see previous blog post) in Business with emphasis in marketing.

Now to the present.

I was still nervous about going back to school, so I started small to get my two year degree, then to move up to a 4 year at whatever pace worked for me. Here's where some indecisiveness stepped in. Did I want my two year to be a business in marketing degree, or just a liberal arts with all business classes so I could have a smoother transition? Did it matter what looked better on paper? I went back and forth on it for an entire semester until my advisor suggested that liberal arts would help me move on to any 4 year as opposed to getting the marketing degree and having taken more classes than necessary only for the school to tell me it isn't accepted, or that some of the classes cannot be counted towards their degree. Oh okay.

So now that I'm almost done with my two year, I need to be looking at the 4 year schools to get my BA. As I'm looking at different colleges, I'm looking at their listed majors and I think, "Oh I'd love to take classes in that" or "What if I wanted to do this instead?" Just this last semester I got 115% in a class that required me to write a paper every other week, so I thought journalism or writing might be my thing, but did I want to do that full time? While in Arkansas I saw Maggie with FOX Sports for horse racing and thought that would be an awesome job, to do telecommunication. But where would I get a job like that in Iowa? I couldn't. Horse racing isn't big here so I'd have to move. Flash back to February 2021 (sorry for the whiplash). I played a very small part in a movie called "The Willowbrook" and while doing that I was amazed by, well, everything about it. When I was young I thought being an actress would be so cool, and I'd get to play someone I'm not and maybe be a badass in a role or two, so when the opportunity came up I was all for it. After that I was kind of hooked. I made an account for a casting site to see what was being shot in my area, and even joined the cast of The Murder Mystery Dinner in Des Moines. (Another side hustle, I think that makes like 4 now). Yet again I found another thing I love to do, but I'm apprehensive to go all in because I like job security.

It's not only careers and side hustles. Buying my house, my car, any purchase over $50, I overthink and decide and get excited then tell myself no. I have a rule that if I'm unsure, I walk away, and if I can't stop thinking about it, then I know I need to go back and get it. I looked for months to find the car I wanted, spent weeks negotiating the price (I want expensive things but I'm cheap lol), and had to drive to another state to get it, and I love my car, but still wish it was white. It took me two years of looking before I found my house, and I was so excited that the house had many opportunities for improvement: finish the basement, add another bedroom and a bathroom, put up a fence out back, build a front porch. I have so many ideas and things I want to do but I want to save my money. (Especially since I'd have to sell my organs to afford lumber these days). Will it make me happy? Yes. Will I have less money? Yes. See, can't decide. The indecisiveness runs deep in this one.

So if you're in high school and can't decide on a major, or 22 and can't decide where you want to live, or 25 and hate your job but don't know what to do to be happy, just know I am almost 30 and I have made all of the big adult purchases in life, and I still can't decide.

Photo by Mallery Adkins